Captain Planet Express
by Arturo Serrano
Summary: New New York is in peril. Prof. Farnsworth, the world's greatest mad scientist, can no longer stand the terrible bottom line of his delivery company. He invented five magic rings and gave them to his not-so-special employees. When the five powers combine, who knows what'll happen.


Chapter 1

"Good news, everyone!" The asleep/indifferent/drunk mass of people sitting around the conference table barely looked at Prof. Farnsworth. "What is it this time?" someone asked.

"As you may have noticed at those times when you're not playing Pong with the company spaceship's navigational computer, this company is broke."

Fry raised his head from a pile of potato chips. "How can it be broke? I just bought 20 somethillion stock!"

"Alas, my overfed uncle, trying to stay afloat by selling stock follows the same rules as building a perpetual motion machine: you have to secretly feed the system from somewhere hidden, or else everyone will find out it's a scam."

"What are we going to do?" asked Leela. "I can't just tell the cable company to wait until I get another job."

"Fear not! I have found the solution to our financial problems. You see, the time has arrived for me to finally and reluctantly realize that there's no pride in being a mad scientist when all you have to show for it is a mediocrely-run, mediocrely-staffed delivery company."

"You didn't just realize it. I've been saying it every day for years," pointed Amy.

"That's right, but last night I forgot to go to bed with my earmuffs, so I was able to hear you complain aloud to your diary."

Amy stood up in panic. "Do you spy on me when I update my voice diary?"

"Only when there's nothing good on TV. Anyway, I have decided to expand our service portfolio into another line of business."

"Do you mean we aren't going to deliver packages anymore?" asked Leela.

"Yeah, what boring, soul-crushing job did you find for us to do instead of our current boring, soul-crushing job?" added Fry.

"Not instead, but in addition to, your current boring, soul-crushing job," replied the Professor. "We are going into the superhero business."

Bender emerged from somewhere under the pile of potato chips and shouted, "No! Not that again! We already tried it and it sucked! Nobody paid us anything for saving their asses!"

Leela let her face rest against her palm for a moment to muster the patience to explain, "Bender, you attempted to charge a hookerbot in every invoice you sent."

"I could have lived with a hookerbot for every other invoice."

"Enough!" cried the Professor. "This time we're not making any mistakes. This time I'm sending the invoices, I'm setting how much we're going to charge, and I'm giving you your superpowers."

"I'm already a mutant kung-fu expert," said Leela.

"My brain is immune to telepathic attacks," added Fry.

"And I'm a super-billionaire," said Amy.

"That's not a valid superpower!" replied the Professor.

"My family terraformed Mars. Basically, your taxes go to feeding us."

A head emerged from a corridor. "Feeding? Did I hear well?"

"Nobody asked for you, Zoidberg," everyone said.

"We're discussing what superpowers the professor is going to give us," Fry explained.

"Oh, I'm full of superpowers! I can breathe underwater! Survive on rotten food! Produce clouds of ink as a defensive tactic! And cut anything with my mighty claws!"

"You can be the team mascot," said the Professor. "Now for the really important team members: everyone have a look at this finely engraved, unbelievably ancient wooden box."

"It's beautiful," said Amy. "What's in it? Our mystical superpowers?"

"No. It's where I store the remote control for the slideshow projector. Now everyone have a look at the slideshow." The space above the conference table was filled with 3D renderings of five colored rings. "I have performed unspeakably evil rituals involving the most dangerous of the dark arts, to extract the secrets of nature and bring them under my command."

"What kind of dark, secret magic is that?" asked Leela.

"Hipstermancy. You wouldn't understand; I'm sure you have never heard of it. These five rings control the five elemental forces of nature, and makes whoever wields them the master of all reality."

Amy interjected, "The elemental forces of nature are not five; they're one hundred and seventy-four."

"That many?" asked Fry. "In high school they never went past one hundred and twenty-something."

"That's old-fashioned 20th century science, Fry," explained Leela. "Since the Supreme Court ruled that the fabric of reality was subject to copyright, every physics laboratory has been inventing and patenting new elements all the time. This table, for example, is made of element #160, sarahpalinium."

"Isn't that element a forbidden contaminant?" asked a shocked Amy. "It's been reported that prolongued exposure to sarahpalinium makes petroleum come out of your ears."

"Not if you wear protective earmuffs every night," answered the Professor. "Of course, that's no protection against the radiation. You guys should all be dead by now."

"I've been eating my lunch every day on this table," said Fry. "What's going to happen to me?"

"I've been munching pieces of it every day when nobody's looking," said Zoidberg.

"I've been looking," pointed the Professor.

"Does nobody care what's going to happen to me?"

"Let's focus on the mission! As I said, these powerful rings will give their wielder supreme command over the forces of nature."

"So what are those awesome powers? And where are the rings?" asked Bender.

"I left them on the conference table this morning, before breakfast."

"Oh," said Zoidberg. "So that's why I thought my breakfast this morning had come with a prize."

Bender punched the doctor in his stomachs. "Did you eat the rings with the supreme superpowers?"

The Professor sighed. "All right, the meeting is adjourned while I perform an emergency surgery on Dr. Zoidberg. I hope you haven't gone to the toilet yet?"

"I can't remember."

Leela punched the doctor too. "Don't tell me we'll have to scan the sewers for those rings!"

Prof. Farnsworth said, "We'll split in groups. Everyone, go to the sewers and find the rings."

"That's not splitting," pointed Amy.

"In the meantime, I'll do something much more disgusting and dangerous. I'll search for the rings among Doctor Zoidberg's internal organs."


End file.
